Make room for the new you!

New Year, new start and all that jazz. The excitement of making major changes builds as you get closer the those ringing bells at midnight. I have already talked (to myself) about joining the gym, healthy living, going back to night school, travelling around Scotland in a camper van, saving and being more creative. I class this as creative so I have started one of my resolutions already. I’m ahead of the game!

The truth is, we get carried away with the hype. We all know we don’t have to do all of these things but it gives us an excuse, a reason, some light relief from the guilt of not getting on and doing it anyway. It feels exciting when you ring in the New Year with a new bucket list. A hope that you will win the lottery this year and who you wont be giving money to!

Anyone who truly knows me, knows I love a list or two. I have a note pad right here next to me. I don’t leave home without it. A shopping list that I add to until I get to the supermarket……in my pyjamas. A ‘to do list’ with things like change name on passport, call vets, change knickers and on and on it goes. My finances are next and a minus next to the figure each time I make a purchase. A day to day list, even though I have a separate diary with the same list. Sunday is ironing day. It’s the law. If the list gets too messy, I will rip out the page and write it out again just so it is nice and clear in my mind. I have a lot of notepads.

I punish myself all of the time, don’t we all? I eat a biscuit or two and then lose count of how many I have eaten. Damn, no will power. I sit on my arse watching Netflix then think I have to offset my wasted time by scrubbing the bathroom. I feel I should be walking everywhere just because everyone else seems to be. I should be doing more but I don’t know what? I keep thinking it’s my mission in life to join the Samaritans, be a volunteer or save someone. The truth is, I need to save myself. It’s time to start thinking about me and what I want and stop looking for something I know I can’t find all of the time. Answers.

We scour through social media, we all love a good old nose. It offers an insight into people’s lives right in front of us. Showing endless pictures of friends smiling, drinking, having fun family days out surrounded by happiness all of the time. It isn’t real. A snap shot of a precise moment when the sun catches you in the right light, at the right angle when you were all smiling. People can’t be happy all of the time, can they? You may have only been out of the house for an hour but the fifty pictures you have taken tell a different story, days of endless happiness. Don’t get me wrong, I do it myself. We all love a good filter to iron out a few laughter lines. Twenty pictures of the same spot, eating an ice cream, playfully shoving it in someone’s face when two minutes early earlier you were ready to commit actual murder! I think social media is a fantastic way to communicate, follow family and friends and to do a bit of preaching or ranting if that’s your thing. It is also very educational, informative and can be dangerous, in the wrong hands.

I went out with my pyjama top on today. To be fair that statement would not be that unusual in my hometown but I NEVER go out in my pyjamas. In my defence, it looks like a sweatshirt, it’s grey and has the slogan “I will do absolutely nothing today”. Partly true. I was rebelling because I could and actually had an argument with myself about wearing it. I have recently moved and thought to myself, so what, nobody knows me here. I didn’t even shower or wash my hair. I’m out of routine, anything goes. I didn’t accomplish much when I was out, I needed to drive for a while and feel some space around me. The urgency inside lifted once I was outside and free.

People laugh about OCD, I do too. I always think about that cleaning programme, Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners. I lost my shit over toast crumbs the other day and packing shopping away in the right order. I mean lost my shit (as in it reduced me to tears). I gave up and stomped to my bedroom and landed in a heap. I’m fifteen again. My poor Mum’s stairs and doors took a right battering over the years. It’s not just about cleaning, for me its all about control when anxiety takes hold. It is a distraction, a need to fix things, for everything to be just so. When that pain starts in your chest, rises up to your throat and slowly enters your mind set, it is hard to control. The smallest thing can trigger it or nothing at all. The panic starts to rise and thoughts of the worst possible scenarios begin to enter. Death is one of them. Scenarios that don’t exist but you are now living and breathing it and it is real. Then the tears. Not crying, just rolling tears, with no sound or movement. It can be debilitating and so draining.

We have a new addition to our family, Joey the cat. We rescued him, it felt good that we, or I, saved something. He was unwanted and I have this urge to know what happened to him before we found him. I almost want to confront these people and demand answers. I have smothered this cat in love, he is my baby. I have a lot of love to give. I’m not a Mother (not through choice) but I can Mother if that makes sense. I think this cat could be my saviour. I think I am that “Mad Cat Lady.”

I remember lying in bed as a teenager and feeling like I couldn’t breathe. I swear someone tapped me on the shoulder that night. I was too scared to turn around, I thought the grim reaper had come for me. I can still feel that crippling fear today and the tap on the shoulder, so hard, so real. I stayed under the sheets until daylight. Similar things have happened through my life. Not so much a tap, more of a presence.

I am hoping for a better year, said every person ever! I don’t class myself better or worse off than anyone else and you can’t compare bad experiences. It’s not a competition as to who has had the worst year. Personally, I have had what I class as life changing events in the last few years. One I have previously written about, IVF, and one that I never will. I’m not being cryptic, it’s a difficult, sensitive subject and one that I don’t feel comfortable with and is thankfully part of my history now.

Writing really helps put things in perspective for me and compartmentalize my life the way I need it to. I have been described as a complex character before today. I don’t think I have ever put a label on anyone? It’s not nice and very judgemental. I never try to judge a book by its cover as everyone has a story, you just don’t know it yet.

My personal resolution not just for 2018 but from now on is to start to accept who I am and to be grateful for what I have in my life. I do think everything happens for a reason and you are dealt certain cards in your life, some of them are harsh but keep looking for those Ace cards and keep playing, we only get one life.

I will keep writing about my childhood, IVF, OCD how it is linked to anxiety, my travels and all of the dramas and drunken shennanigans in my life. Maybe somewhere along the line it will help me find out why, I am the way that I am.

Please feel free to follow my page.

AJS