Hello Sunshine

As we enter a new year we are bombarded with quotes, images and positivity forced down your throat, fresh hope for the year ahead blah blah. I have decided to take some of it on board and start to promote myself more positively and in true cliché style “find myself again.” I have fallen for it already!

I flicked through my Horoscopes today, looking for those answers again and that big arrow pointing to something specific. I have noticed a reoccurring theme throughout. Positive self-portrayal and belief.

My confidence levels have dropped over the last eighteen months. I have questioned myself, my decisions and my overall being. Sounds pretty deep but we all get to this point in our lives, probably something to do with age and our own mortality or that fact that my moron of an ex-husband was close to breaking me. I have started a new job, in a new relationship, moved into a new home, moved to a new town and I guess stared a new life. Never one to do things in moderation!

I went to see a Tarot card reader when I visited a friend in Dublin last year. He knew why I was there, we are all looking or something when we pitch up at these things. He seemed pretty nervous around me but everything he said was spot on, even down to my toothache? “You are a good person and you deserve to be happy.” His last words to me. I know, he says that to everyone and he was paid twenty euros for the privilege! He was right and why a stranger telling me is more profound and believable than people close to me?

I am by no means perfect and sometimes you need to take a look in the mirror and if you don’t like what you see (and I don’t at the moment), change it.

I have made a list of things that I think accurately portray me at this point in my life. I have decided to challenge myself as to how many, if any, I need to change and write this list again in six months’ time.

If you know me you will identify with a few of the below. If you know me very well, I guess it’s a roller coaster with me in your life?

If you upset me, I usually just ignore you until you break
If I upset you, I usually just ignore you until you break
I am kind but never expect the same kindness back and don’t always get it
Don’t confuse my kindness for stupidity. The door will close
I am thoughtful, all of the time
God help you if you forget my Birthday
If you cross me in life or love, I will forgive you but further along the line you probably won’t be part of my life
Never underestimate me
If you need genuine help, I am that person
True friends are my friends for life. Thick and thin
I listen more than I talk
If you talk about yourself incessantly, you will be the only one listening
If I say I am going to do something, I do it. If I don’t, there is a valid reason. That said, I have let people down in my life and have regretted it
I have been let down and I have forgiven, its easier than hating
If I don’t want to do something, there is no persuading me
If I want to do something, there is no stopping me
If I am right, I am right. I won’t back down. EVER.
If I am wrong. I’ll hold my hands up…in time
Don’t try and reason with me when I am angry. Leave me in my cave
I am loyal, I expect the same back
I am protective of my friends and family
I can be unpredictable. It’s never boring
I am really, really clumsy. Don’t buy me delicate things
I don’t suffer fools
I can be defensive
I am really sarcastic and cover it with humour
I can be hard on myself and never give myself enough credit
My face cannot hide anything
I can’t be controlled
I think I have tried every drink on the shelf
I am fun (and used to be the last one to leave the party)
I am really hard to live with
I remember everything
I do care about people’s perception of me
I do care how I look to other people
If you are mean, I will kill you with kindness (and sarcastic comments)
I will speak out if needed
I don’t feel happy all of the time
I will stand up for what I believe in
I will tell you the truth (even if you are not asking for it)
I do not recognise hierarchy
If you are rude, I am rude
I don’t cry front of people that often
I don’t have enough patience with people (annoying ones)
I doubt myself
I sometimes think I am not good enough
I would give you my last penny
I don’t ask for help when I need it
I’ll help others before myself
I don’t trust many people and I will question. I am usually right
My humour is silly and infectious
I don’t use my fists, I use words
If I am pushed too far I can be venomous
I am not intimidated

Just reading this list is so conflicting for me but therapeutic! I don’t think I have listed enough of my good qualities but I am in defensive mode and my attitude is a hardened one. I recognise this and hopefully my next list will have a better balance.

On the plus side, if you stay in my good books I’ve got your back!